THINGS MEN FORGET TO DO DURING SEX…
No one on earth is quite as pleased as a man who has just pleased a woman between the sheets. We love the care and attention you’ve paid to us for our own benefit, but we also love watching you bask in self-satisfaction. But as satisfied as you might be with yourself, sometimes we’re not quite as satisfied as you’d hoped: something relatively minor, but highly distracting, was a bit “off.”
Don’t be offended, darlíngs, but a few níps and tucks in your bédroom style might speed things along (in a good way)—leaving us more time for another go at it!
1. The clítoris is right there. Yes, right there. Not over here, not down there, not off to the side. It doesn’t move. Try to stay focused and play with the clít!
2. Take your socks off. Not a single thing is séxy about a man who is nakéd except for his socks.
3. Lubrícant, lubrícant, lubrícant. We may feel “so wét” to you from our own fluíds, but we actually need to be pretty drenched with water-based lube for business time.
4. Talk dírty to me. Some women become very arouséd by their imaginations, so a little dírty talk about what you’re going to do to us stimulatés our biggest séx órgan: our brain! (But avoíd these 36 words that kill the moment.)
5. Get it wet. If you’re going down on us, make sure to keep your tongué wet with spít. A dry tongue chafés down there!
6. Watch your hands. Unless we’ve expressly índicated that we like our headlights to be twéaked, do not pinch our nípples in the heat of the moment. They’re very, very sensitíve!
7. Sometimes a light touch is better than a strong one. And a sweet kíss with just your lips is better than a Labrador retriever-style kíss with your tongue.
8. Nibble away. We absolutely adore when you gently, tenderly suckle on our fingers (or our toes, for men with mouths of asbestos).
9. Stop stressin’. That look of concentration on your face makes it seem like you’re doing calculations in your head, not making love. Smile a little bit, why don’t you?
10. Don’t forget the títs. Nipplés should be a pit stop on the way to Vagínavílle—get off the express traín! Raw & Unkut… madetv!